Tales of the Parodyverse

Tyme Travels #11, Part 1 of the Plot Accelerator Saga. Featuring the League of Improbable Gentlemen in The Case of the Undead Scoundrels and the Visitor from Tomorrow.


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ag
Wed Dec 31, 2003 at 06:54:19 pm EST
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1877 AD,

9:05 pm,

He appears.
The building is dark. Its candle lit.
He can see, as his eyes adjust to the light, various display cases.
In front of him is an old table with various jars and cases. One holds a stuffed little two-inch tall man in 18th century attire. Next to it is a stuffed rabbit, standing erect wearing a vest, coat and a pocket watch. There are many other items he can’t identify on the table.
To his right is a man sized glass case with a strange skeleton. Instead of a torso it has a large playing card.
To Justin’s left is a wall sized map of the planet Mars.
He hears a revolver pull back behind him.
“You, sir, are trespassing! Turn around slowly or I’ll be forced to turn you around myself!” a rich British accent warns him.
“Oh boy!” Justin says.


* Theme song of Quantum Leap plays. Various scenes of Justin doing things in different eras are shown. *

Tyme Travels #11, Part 1 of the Plot Accelerator Saga. Featuring the League of Improbable Gentlemen in The Case of the Undead Scoundrels and the Visitor from Tomorrow.


“Uh, you have it wrong!” Justin stammers.
“I have it wrong you say? You had best explain yourself chap, or I’ll rightly give you a reason to, what?”
“Sir Mumphrey Wilton! It’s really you! And my timer says the year is 1877! So this must be the mansion on Lair Island.” Justin reasons to himself aloud.
“I say! You must be a raving loon. Come quietly then and no uncivilized moves.”
“No, listen! My name is Justin Tyme. I’m from the year 2462. If anyone in the League of Improbable Gentlemen would understand that, it would be you Sir Wilton. Use your temporal pocket watch or something. Check me out.”
“By Jove! Just who are you? And that’s Sir Mumphrey Wilton to you stranger.”
“Sorry. In my era there are legends about you and getting a chance to finally meet you has gone to my head. But there must be something you can...”
“My you’re an impatient Colonial! I was not finished.”
“Sorry.”
“As I was saying, I have run a check as you have requested and indeed the temporal echoes I’ve witnesses show you’ve just arrived in a manner quite queer. It seems the same after affects from my watch have also come from the brief flash that brought you here. You are indeed not from here. The others are still here. Follow me and I’ll introduce you to the rest.”



Justin stands in a large meeting room adorned with beautiful furniture and some of the rarest heirlooms he’s ever seen. Six gentlemen and one lady all sat in elegant oak chairs, looking at him. He’s already been told that a fifth gentleman, Colonel Blanchford Bertram by name, would be joining them. He is currently escorting someone named Ishmael "Yardarm" Brunsen to the door since their resent case with him (The Case of the Incendiary Squid) has just concluded.

Hagatha Darkness, the witch of Covenant Manse, “So am I correct that you say you’re from the future?”
Justin, “Yes ma’am.”
Phineas Quimby, the EccentricEtherInvestigatorExplorer!, “Extraordinary! I have often thought of traveling through time!”
Lyle Clancy, rich playboy stockbroker, “You’ve thought of many obscure ideas, Quimby, this one is no different.”
Quimby, “True, but my word! I’ve dreamed of it but he’s been there! Imagine the leaps in science!”
Dr Hakenfakir, surgeon, musician, hypnotist, and wielder of a suspiciously familiar cane,” I would be interested to hear of the advances in medicine or the wonders created with music in the future era.”
Franklin Bookman, US Treasury Agent action-accountant, “I would assume the literary works of future authors to be immense, Mr. Tyme. I would quite enjoy reading them.”
Mumphrey, “Now everyone, give the man some room. I’m sure there are rules about future knowledge and all that. Don’t want to spoil the dish ya know.”
Justin replies, “Yes, there is. I really shouldn’t discuss the future. It’s really uncertain what would happen if you knew.”
Mumphrey, “Jolly good. Maybe ol’ bean Quimby here would try to pre-invent stuff and we can’t have that. What?”
Quimby gives a disappointed frown.
Harry "Stoneface" Drury, rough edged Pinkerton detective, “Can we trust him? How do we know he’s from the future? Any criminal could just walk in here and claim his story.”
Mumphrey, “My Chronometer confirms he’s not from this time.”
Bertram Blanchford walked into the room, “Old Yardarm can sure talk your ear off if you get him talking about that great white whale of his. Sorry I’m late. The old sailor just wouldn’t.. shut..no. It can’t be!”
Blanchford stares open mouthed at Justin for a minute. Everyone wonders what the matter is.
“Bertram? You feeling alright?” Dr Hakenfakir asks.
“I’m fine.” He replies as he continues to stare, “Sir, what is your name, if you don’t mind my asking.”
“Justin Tyme. Have we met?” the traveler asks after seeing the expression on the old explorer’s face.
“Yes. We have. I’m sure of it! I remember the day clear as if it happened just yesterday. It was back during the war. In 1863. A captain I worked with, a dear friend, introduced us. There was an explosion. My friend, Captain Jonah Burch, got caught in the blast. There was acid and it horribly scared his face. But you..”
“Uh..” Justin stammers, having no memory of these events because from his perspective it hasn’t happened yet.
Bertram continues on, “But you disappeared. There was no trace of you! We figured you died! How did you just disappear? Where did you go? And why is it you look younger then when we met fourteen years ago?”
“Tyme here is from the future. He is a time traveler.” Mumph offers.
“Yes, but I’m sorry to say I have no memory of meeting you. I DID meet a Jonah Burch, but he was a bounty hunter in the old west. His face was scared though.”
“I know it was you. I never forget a face!”
“Calm down Bertram. Maybe the explosion messed up his mind.” Lyle Clancy offers.
“Just as I thought!” Drury grumbles. “It’s all a sham!”
“Wait a minute! It’s not like that!” Justin feels things falling apart.
Quimby speaks up, “Unless your time spent with Bertram is in your future?”
Everyone stares uncomprehendingly at Quimby. This isn’t unusual.
“No, listen.” Quimby continues, “Justin is a time traveler. It would be foolish of us to assume he travels in a straight line. Yesterday he visited our future and tomorrow he could be in our past. Fascinating!”
“I believe I’m starting to understand. So Justin hasn’t traveled to 1863. This is the first time he’s met me? WELL! I’m being rude then.” Bertram thrusts out his hand, “Colonel Blanchford Bertram, retired U.S. Cavalry, world explorer. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”
Justin shakes his firm hand, “Justin Tyme, time lost traveler.”
“This explains a lot really.” Bertram explains, “When we first met you seemed like you knew a secret. This must be it.”
“Well this is very nice, but I must get my sleep. Would someone care to take me home?” Hagatha Darkness speaks up.
Sir Mumphrey jumps at the chance, “I believe I will madam. With fiends like Eric the Ripper still on the loose it’s not proper for a lady to be out on the streets.”
“Yes, I believe this meeting should be adjourned.” Bertram concludes the meeting, “Hastings Vernal has already retired to his study and I believe everything to be said for the Case of the Incendiary Squid has been said. Justin, I will show you to the guest rooms.”
“Justin, I’d like to meet with you for a little while tomorrow, if that’s ok.” Quimby asks.
Tyme nods.
“And can somebody please get him something more modern to wear?” Lyle Clancy comments before leaving, “People haven’t worn chain mail or anything like that since the middle ages.”

The next day Justin is wearing a nice black suit from the period as he walks through the mansion library. He can’t help but be amazed at the rich history portrayed in the early portraits, pictures and artifacts.
There’s a painting of the three musketeers with Yonn, the Viking Prince and Countess Elizabeth Dracu. There is another depicting another group around someone called the MerryHereticHarlequinMask! He’s astonished at that one’s colors. “Heh. I’d hate to have been the painter for that one!”
He sees the Lair Knights depicted in a woodcut and remembers his time with them.
He looks closely at a partially burned portrait labeled the Improbable College. There is a space at the bottom of the portrait with the year of 1720, a motto that reads "Et in Parodia Ego" followed by many names; Rev Dr Septimo Alarcon, Florento de Clement, Sarah of Dunboggie, Buckland Dean, Dr. Gulliver Wilton and the wizened, white bearded Leonardo de Lapidus (whom was apparently also the painter) were the only ones he could discern. There was a name with what looked like the initials HV as well, but it was unclear. He looked deeper and saw objects painted in the background. A book labeled what he thought read ‘Booke of the Law’ sitting on a shelf at the back next to a 1891 Wisden's Cricket almanac, a jar of sea monkeys, and a familiar looking knife.
“1891? That can’t be right. This picture is from 1720.” He turns and sure enough, that same Wisden's Cricket almanac is on the shelf here in the library, although looking even older. “But, the year today is 1877. That book shouldn’t BE here, let alone back then.”
He looks closer at the portrait and is amazed at its detailed craftsmanship. “I don’t understand so much about this but it’s a shame I can’t see the whole picture. There are shapes, symbols, names and figures I can’t make out due to the fire damage. Is that a cat in there? And why is everyone in the picture showing hand signals? That book alone is a mystery and so is this painting but I get the feeling just standing in this building I’m surrounded in mysteries.”
He continues to look around. He sees a fair sized ship in a bottle with tiny carved figures of whalebone. Again there are names at the bottom and among the names are Wesley Valentine and John Bastion. The text further reads that this was made in honor of the dreadful escape from Capt’n Crunch, scourge of the seas.
Justin then follows the group of portraits to the last version of the League of Improbable Society.
The earliest picture shows the line up. The year reads 1793. Another caption explains who they are. According to the picture, someone in a French nobleman outfit with a yellow diamond on his lapel, named the Scarlet Pimple. His wife, Lady Chykeney, stood by his side. There was an American Indian named Nanny Bumpy aka Trickshot or Eye of Hawk. A buxom prostitute named Nell Hogan. A shadowy figure with guns in each hand, covered in black, named Rev. Dr. Burc. A figure stood in the back but he couldn’t make it out. The caption labeled the figure only as HV. Finally there was a very old man (127 yrs. old by the text) named Dr. Gulliver Wilton.
“This Wilton seems to be in two of these pictures. He must’ve been quite a man. And that can’t be the same HV person. Can it?”
Another portrait in this group catches his eye. It was taken roughly ten years before the other one in 1782. Justin got the feeling this was an unofficial gathering before the League reformed into the team in the other picture. Eight people were depicted. There were more names; Miss Liberty Waltz (in red, white and blue outfit), James Reed (also stated as the Tomahawker), Dan Boaz (dressed the same as Reed, but clearly a teenager), Benedicte LeBlanc (another one in very bright colors), Keith Runner, (also labeled the Earl of Strethmere), Andrew Forman (complete with vampire teeth!), the mysterious Envoy, and one other individual that he takes a even closer look.
“It can’t be! But then why not?” Justin asks himself.
The seventh person, although a painted depiction, is clearly him! He’s wearing period clothes for that era. He looks a little older (maybe because of the powered wig) but it’s unmistakably him. The caption says the figure’s name is Professor J. Tyme.
“Professor? But I’m not a professor!”
“At least not yet.” The voice of Phineas Quimby speaks up from the arch way entrance.
“Professor Quimby, is.. I mean was that really.. me?”
“Yes Justin. It was! The American Revolutionary War vets Miss Liberty, ColoredColonialPatoisPatriot! and Tomahawker visited England for a brief undercover mission. It was the time they faced the sinister oriental Devil Doctor with assistance from the mysterious, unseen Marquis of Harringcarp. After that case was resolved the Americans brought then future League members Forman and Runner as well as the Envoy to America to stop some Ex-British Navy Admiral. The records called him Savan or something. Vernon Savan the third? Forth? This was a brief mission before the League as it is now formed under old Gulliver. Anyway, they met you in the woods of Virginia. Not a whole lot was written about you of course, but when you showed up last night I knew you’re name was familiar so I looked into the records with the help of Franklin Bookman. It seems from our perspective; this isn’t the first time our little club has met you.”
“Heh. I guess I’m not that surprised when I think of it. So in my future I’ll visit your teams past? I bet it seems strange to you that someone can travel from the future.”
“Oh no. Not at all. Just last month two boys from ten years in the future appeared. Look there. That’s a picture I took of them.”
Justin sees two teenagers standing with Quimby and another gentleman. The caption read “Travelers from the future, O. Twist and T. Cratchet, with P. Quimby and Fogherty.” There is some sort of part chair, part sled with funny dials behind them.
Quimby continues to explain, “They clamed to have found a traveler from their decade who invented a machine. He was from England, same as them. They got the wild idea for mischief and stole it. After studying the machine I promptly sent them on their way back home to confess.”
“So you studied that machine? What did you learn?”
“Enough to begin my time-sled. Of course I’ll be powering it with my Improbable Aether, but you can imagine the possibilities! Wait! I forgot whom I was speaking to! Of course you know what I mean! And that brings me to the reason I wanted to meet with you. When you showed up you had the look of someone very lost.”
“Heh. Yeah, I guess I would’ve. Sometimes it takes some getting used to when I first arrive in a particular era.”
“I take it you can’t control where and when you arrive?”
“Not yet. I’m hoping to arrive in a future era when the materials I need will be available to repair my timer.”
“Excellent!” Quimby states like a boy who just found an unwrapped Christmas present.
“What?” Justin asks apprehensively.
“Oh! Nothing bad, I assure you! It’s just that I’ve been tinkering with the notes and my inventions. I believe I have a device that can home in on a particular time, right to the minute. Would you like to experiment with it and tell me if it works?”
“Well! I never expected this. Ok. I’ll give it a try. Let me see it.”
Quimby hands it over. The numbers show the current date, then flash, briefly to the year 1668.
“Why does it do that?”
“I’m not sure. Must be a glitch. I studied the internal cables from the Traveler’s machine and duplicated this device from them. You should be able to connect it to your timer.”
Justin tries and sure enough he finds them an uneasy fit. Before he can activate it to test the device, the confidant voice of Colonel Blanchford Bertram.
“Quimby. We’re beginning the meeting on our newest case. Justin, you may join us if you’d like.”
“Well, ok. Sounds good.”

As they sit in the conference room Justin sees that only a few of the members are there.
Sir Mumphrey is sitting next to Hagatha Darkness. On the other side of the table is Dr Hakenfakir. Phineas Quimby sits down next to him. Bertram is at the head of the table and a mysterious gentleman is opposite of the Colonel. Standing against a bookshelf in the corner is a young man in his thirties with a western cowboy hat and a duster jacket. He has sandy blonde hair and looks relaxed, holding his Smith and Weston rifle. Justin notices him rubbing his feet a little.
“Well everyone,” Bertram begins, “with the Case of the Incendiary Squid finally over we can concentrate on the resent break-ins at the Paradopolis and GothemMetropolis museums. Does everyone here remember the clues we found?”
Dr Hakenfakir begins, “Well, I recall the mysterious lights out at sea the nights of the theft.”
“And don’t forget the eerie fog also dear chap.” Mumphrey chimes in.
Hagatha Darkness speaks up, “We mustn’t forget the midnight activity on Flanagan Island.”
“Sheeoot. I recon I’ll never ferget that severed foot left at the scene.” The young man with the sandy blond hair speaks up. Everyone but Bertram looks at him funny, realizing for the first time that he’s there.
“And who, sir, are you?” Mumphrey challenges.
The man thrusts out his hand, “U.S. Secret Service agent Tom Stevens at your service.” Mumph shakes his hand. “My childhood friend and partner, Huck Harris, was hurt really bad. He’s in a coma right now. Colonel Bertram found him at th’ scene. I’d like t’ find the guys who did that t’ Huck and give ‘em some justice.”
“The League is not about vengeance young man.” Hagatha snorts.
“I know that, but I’ve heard about the fine adventures you all had an’ I think I can help.”
Bertram speaks up, “I asked Stevens here. I think our group can use some new blood.”
“By Jove! He’s so brash he’ll get himself and the rest of us killed.” Mumph objects.
“I beg yer pardon mister Wilton but I c’n do it. Ever since my youth as a kid on the Mighty Mississippi I’ve faced danger an’ came up smellin’ like roses. Maybe back in England they don’t give a guy a chance but this here’s America and we believe everybody’s got a chance!”
Dr Hakenfakir speaks up, “Simmer down child. We are not questioning your patriotism.”
“Child?” Tom breaths in anger.
“See? What further proof do I need? Brash. Through and through.” Mumph trumpets.
“Mumphrey, I vouch for him. He reminds me of myself at his age.” Bertram interjects.
“Need I remind you Blanchford,” the prim, proper and quite frightening Hagatha calmly speaks up, “that we do not have the luxury of indulging your remembrances. This mission is simply too dangerous for the lad.”
“I have a stake in this! You’ve got to let me try!”
Justin and Quimby have been looking from participant to participant this whole time. Neither have anything to add. Justin notices the mysterious man at the other end of the table looking intently at the big picture window.
The man then turns and looks straight at Justin. The time traveler feels like this man is looking at his soul.
“Gentlemen and lady.” The man finally speaks up while still looking at Justin, “This young man’s gun might be helpful in the coming minutes.”
“Minutes? Hastings Vernal just what do you mean?” Mumphrey asks.
Ignoring the question, Vernal continues, “The only link between the strange lights, fog and activity is that all the stolen exhibits are weird bits of rusted machinery found on a deserted Caribbean island, donated by Sir Abner Absinthe, British Governor of the Caribbean Dominions around 1667.” He looks at Justin again, “If only we had more information regarding that machinery, maybe our fates could be altered.”
SCCRRAAASSSHHH! TINKLE! TINKLE!
The window is shattered and hordes of skeletal ghost pirates lunge through. Behind them there are walking corpses.
The League starts to fight off the undead very well. Miss Darkness casts spells that dissolve several creatures. Mumphrey uses his pocket watch to stop many, and then places the undead against each other in the tics of a second. Dr Hakenfakir vaporizes more with his cane. Blanchford is in the middle of it all slicing undead limbs with Knifie. Quimby is using a colorful gadget to atomize the undead. Agent Stevens tries unsuccessfully to blow away a certain eight or nine foot tall undead man with a flat top and bolts coming out of his neck.
Hastings Vernal just coldly watches from his seat. Justin is hiding behind a tapestry because he has no idea what to do about this.
“What are these things?” Quimby asks as he watches unthinkable body parts moving across the floor.
“Don’t question your senses! Just fight!” Hakenfakir yells while trying to blast away horrible things.
Justin sees what appear to be dead people and animals stitched together or separately, strange Siamese twins and other undead horrors, working with the skeleton pirates.
Justin can tell from all this that they are out numbered.
Miss Darkness is so occupied she doesn’t see the pirates behind her, that is until the gunfire from Stevens’ weapon blows off the pirates skeleton head.
“My thanks young man.” She says.
“Shucks. Twernt nuthin.”
Sir Mumphrey sees this and is about to comment. He never has a chance as the creature no one expected, a Sea Witch, says some kind of curse which sends mystical energy through him, killing Sir Mumphrey in an instant.
Everyone stops for a second. They can’t believe what just happened.
The moment of hesitation is all the undead forces need as both Hakenfakir and Quimby are mowed down.
“And as for you, foul polluter of our family line, I have a special curse for you!” the Sea Witch announces with glee. Before Hagatha can pronounce a counter curse the Sea Witch opens a portal that sucks Hagatha away, screaming “NOOO! NOT YOU!”
By now Blanchford and Tom are back to back surrounded by their foes.
“I’m sorry you had to be here boy. I guess today wasn’t a good day to join our ranks.”
“No big deal. I’ve had a good life. It’s a pleasure fighting by your side!”
The pirates make sure that pleasure ends as they run the two through with their swords.
Justin’s blood goes cold as he watches Hastings Vernal simply look up at his friend’s murderers. The strange man with the initials HV simply says, in a calm voice directly to Justin, “You know it’s not right. Find out why.”
He dies.
The skeletal pirates, the undead animated things, the tall undead man with the bolts in his neck and the Sea Witch move towards Justin.
Without looking at his modified Chrono Displacement Device, Justin presses the Activate button. The year 1668 flashes.


July, 1668
The open sea.
Justin stands just next to the cabin, watching the waves continue to move the ship.
“NOO! NOT VANESSA!” shouts a man in horror.
“MOM! YOU KILLED MY MOM!” A young boy shouts out.
Justin’s head snaps towards the sound. A group of pirates have gathered around a man and boy. A dead woman lies at their feet.
Blood drips from the captain’s sword.
Justin whispers in fear, “Oh boy.”



Next issue its adventure on the high seas as Justin fights undead pirates along side the Purple Pirate and JollyJauntySweetmeatSwashbuckler! What did Hastings Vernal mean? How will Justin find out? Find out next time in part two of the Plot Accelerator Saga!

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